Free Mind.
There has been plenty on times in life where I hit a roadblock and became stuck between a rock and a hard place when it came to the word and action behind FORGIVENESS. Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. One word, GHETTO. Because why should I ever think to forgive someone who may not deserve my forgiveness or who may not even be sorry for what he/she did?! That question always seems to come soon after, but my answer is simple. You forgive them for your own sanity.
I know, I know, it’s easier said than done, but I promise you that it’s probably the best thing that you can possibly do to bring yourself peace about any situation. Now listen, I’m not saying that I’ve always been this mature individual who prioritizes her peace before anything because trust me, I haven’t. I wanted problems, what is peace? (Lol) Chaos was my middle name. If toxic was a person, this girls face would be front and center like a yearbook photo. But honestly, who the fuck wants to live like that? Not me. Life is too short. We are all here on borrowed time and you don’t get the time back that you spent holding grudges or hating someone to use it towards something else.
Many people may not understand why I am the way that I am, but even when it comes to that, it’s like that’s fine, not everyone will be understood. I am a very forgiving individual. So much that I scare myself. At times, I have to really sit and tap into myself and ask “Girl, are you sure about this? Do you know how much this persons actions recently hurt you?” And I ‘ll then sit and really analyze the situation and move ahead with forgiveness. Because at the end of the day, my reason for letting go is simply for me and no one else.
You know I have to throw in real life situation to get this to make sense so here we go. There was a time in my life when I knew all that I needed to know about a situation that someone had put me through and no matter how much I tried to convince myself or this individual that I had “forgiven” them, I was lying and actually doing really bad at it. I was doing a huge disservice to myself and my sanity by doing so. This is someone that I trusted with my life. Someone who could do absolutely no wrong in my eyes. Someone that I loved beyond this realm. However, even with all of this love in between us, this individual hurt me beyond belief, beyond repair, the pain felt agonizing and I’m telling you, it felt like a knife was in my chest and they were just twisting it clockwise and pouring alcohol at the same time. Have you ever felt your heart break before? I know some of you felt your heart hurt. It’s a real thing ya’ll.
With all of the love that I had for this person, I tried my best to express how I felt about what had taken place. I am a very opinionated person, I’d like to think that I’m pretty good with words and expressing myself, but nothing was really helping the situation. I am such a “WHY?” person, because why the hell not? I feel like when people are bold enough to hurt someones feelings, then they should be able to stand on their actions and let it be known why they did what they did. Everyone isn’t as tough as they portray to be though so we’ll let that go.
Therapy has taught me the art of “letting go” and surrendering. There is no reason that someone or something should be given the opportunity to live rent free in your mind for extensive periods of time. I truly think that we hold on and harbor these emotions because of our codependent or unhealthy attachment styles that we have in life. It’s like, damn I do want to feel better but I know that this person may not be sorry, nor do they care if I’m as hurt as I am, but I love them and don’t really want to lose them so I’ll just deal with it. Ummmm excuse me ma’am, absolutely not. I know some of you may be like La, why you in my business? Lol, but yes I am all up in it OKAY ! But only because there are ways to fix this.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. I think many people fail to grasp this. Now, it is completely possible to move on and heal from trauma without forgiving. But if you are a person big on closure or knowing the “why” behind something like me, forgiveness is essential. Forgiveness means different things to different people but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose.
I have recently forgiven someone who I thought I had completely erased out of my life. I had already forgiven their behaviors and charged the pain to the game. The pain was too much to keep inside of me so I made a decision to let it go in order to keep me healthy. On this journey of rediscovering myself, I’ve learned that comfort kills growth. I learned the power of self love and the power of speaking with myself. I had lots of time to hang out alone, I had plenty of time to sit down, write and read. Plenty of time to goal plan, to think. A lot of time to leave my phone unanswered.
Being completely transparent, I was so afraid to go on my solo trip. I think that I was so afraid because it was as if I was leaving everything behind. But, in reality I think I was just afraid to leave my old “self” behind. Prior to returning home, I sat in the airport and cried my eyes out because I was afraid to come back to all of the shit that I had indeed left behind. The unanswered text messages, phone calls, emails, questions. My positive mind was at stake here, I remember asking myself “Is all of this peace going to fly out the window as soon as I get back? Will I revert back to that old person?” I had to have a moment of clarity and I told myself “That all depends on you babe.” Your happiness is dependent on you. Your healing is dependent on you. I had so much time to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that I can have whatever life it is that I desire. A healed life, a chaotic life, a toxic life. The choice is mine. So, I chose peace.
You cannot be the right person for someone else if you’re not the right person for yourself. Take some time to heal so that the next person you encounter can enjoy the best version of you.
Free mind.
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